I’ve been in a season for quite awhile now where I feel like I’m singing the Dora the fish mantra from finding Nemo: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming swimming.” On endless repeat. And so I do. I keep swimming through waters that are a little foggy and with no specific end in sight. I keep hearing stories from others of these incredible moments where God has just shone his spotlight of love on them and I celebrate them, I am in awe along with them, but at the same time I wish He’d shine a little bit of that light on me.
I walk in life believing He loves me. I’ve experienced some really neat times where I’ve seen it in action, but more recently I’ve been walking through a drought. And I just wish for a taste of that grace rain. That love rain. That really personal I-love-you note that is like a warm cup of coffee for my heart.
Part of it is this sense of loneliness. Not the “I’m a stay at home homeschooling mother of 5” loneliness, but more the “people around me don’t really get me ” loneliness.
And I wondered to myself if Jesus even really got me, ya know? Like, if he put all this stuff, this boiling over passion in me, wouldn’t he then use it, give an outlet? Or at least encourage me?
So, last week I was driving to Bible Study and I talked to Jesus out loud in the quiet of the car. “I know you love me, I’ve known it and heard it all my life. I believe it. But Jesus, right now I don’t FEEL like it. I wish you would just do something to show me you really care about even the little things. Just something. ” I continued on my way to Bible study, and my week continued as usual.
But friends, yesterday- Jesus showed up. He met me in a moment of circumstance and gave me a “yes” and it blessed me so deeply. And then he did it AGAIN. And today- he did it again! And again! And then a grand-finale-one-more-time, again! 5 special things that said “I know you, and I love you.” Honestly they might not even make sense if I explained the details to you all, but that’s just it I guess, isn’t it? He knew what would be a warm cup of coffee to my heart. He knew how I liked it. He knows me. I weep with the blessing of God-on-high knowing me today.
If you are waiting and wishing for Him to show up, please tell Him. And then please keep waiting. Don’t give up. Keep swimming. He knows you. He really does.