{Waves and Breakers}


Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me– a prayer to the God of my life {Psalm 42:7-8}
Or, in the New Living Translation:

I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

I have debated with myself about sharing an entry from my prayer journal with you. I offer this glimpse to you, as I feel led to share. We might have different things that we are crying out to God about in our lives, but I believe that this flowed from my pen not only for me, but for you. Please don’t become distraught for me as you read, but welcome what the Spirit of God might want to say to you in YOUR heart and YOUR situation. After this time of prayer, I have had such a peace and gentleness surrounding me. I don’t know how to describe it other than surrounded by His gentleness.

……………………………………………………

Surrender.

O God, I ache, I ache. I struggle to free myself from the bonds of what I want. To completely release myself to what you want. Your will, Your plan. Surrender.

Longing…

…longing…

I’m longing for new life to grow inside of me. For the gently rounded tummy of new life. The newborn first cradled in my womb, then in my arms.

Aching…

…oh how I am aching…

My heart is throbbing with the pain of this hope continually deferred. Tears burn continually in the back of my eyes and throat. It has become a physical pain, this desire, this want. Dare I say this need?

Driven…driven to my knees…

…to prayer…

Ashamed that it takes struggle and pain to bring me to my knees in complete surrender. That it takes fierce need to come before you in complete submission.

I feel raw. Like I have been rubbed raw, the way pavement shreds away the skin on a deeply skinned knee. My insides exposed. And when that raw area is touched, I scream with pain inside.

It hurts Jesus. My heart hurts. I am raw Jesus, rubbed raw.

I have asked. Begged. Wailed. Pushed and pulled. Contrived. Striven to move your hand with my prayers, with your Word. If I could have forced you to move, would I have?

Repent…

…i repent…

I repent of the ‘me’. My wants, my needs. Be it may a reasonable desire from an earthly perspective, from a heavenly perspective, what is it?

I come back to ‘surrender’. You ask me to surrender

What does this mean? How does it look? Do I stop asking? Does the grieving stop? I don’t think it will. And how long? How long do you ask me to surrender?

Indefinitely.”

Did you hear my heart gasp? Its sharp intake of breath? Indefinitely. Even if you choose to never return it to me. Indefinitely. Yours. Indefinitely not mine.

Indefinitely yours, even if this womb and these arms remain empty of another newborn- forevermore.

This tearing away of my will, how exposing.

How freeing.

With tears streaming I say “Not my will, but yours be done”.

With heart breaking I say “Your Will, Your Plan”.

In complete submission at your feet, I surrender.

I don’t know how to live this day by day, or even moment by moment. Give me the grace to do so.

I surrender.

……………………………………..

Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting of my hands as the evening sacrifice!”{Psalm 141:2}

You keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. {Isaiah 26:3-4}

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11 thoughts on “{Waves and Breakers}

  1. Oh, Megan …. my words will not do this prayer any justice. I have walked in your shoes … been captive by the longing of human flesh ~ repentive and freed. And this is a life long journey I feel…but an honest and beautiful prayer.Thanks for sharing!

  2. Hi Megan…it's been a long time since I peeked into your world and WOW, was this the day to do it. My cry is different…I'm going to have to come back and ponder this more…I have a college age daughter packing to go so I should go for now….And as far as the hats…I would LOVE to make some for you. Knitting is my quiet sanctuary right now….most has been for charities…I'm always thrilled to have projects with a purpose…to knit for you would be fun. I will look for an email address so I can talk to you about it.

  3. My Sweet Daughter. I see my own heart here before me as I read your words. The cry of my heart 30 years ago. The longing. The sadness. The tears. The longing, so intense. Friends getting pregnant while I remained 'barren'. "How long will I wait Oh Lord?!?!" ~ wanting to live fully and happily while wondering if God would give me children. Wanting the 'desire of my heart' to be His will ~ these things draw us to our knees. You already know this, but His timing is perfect. See? I have YOU : )You know my story… having your brother and then you, the answer to my prayers. But what a work God does in our hearts ~ and that is where He changes us, and in our deepest longings we turn to Him. As you are doing… just wanted you to know, I understand what you are experiencing. Your heart is an encouragement to many!!! Love you, Mom

  4. This is beautiful…and poignant…as so perfect…As you said, my cry is different…but just as raw…thank you for sharing this with us. I join you in your prayer.

  5. Thanks for sharing such a moving post. It does seem to take some sort of hardship to push us closer to God. I wish I could be motivated in the easy times as well as the hard times, but it never seems to happen.

  6. My heart breaks for you, and rejoices at the same time. Being on our knees before Him is the best place for us to be. I join you in prayers for peace with His plan. Love you sister! Thanks for being a blessing to me <3Glor

  7. There are no words that seem right. Thank you for sharing though. Gives me a glimpse of the kind of relationship I desire to have with the Lord. How precious that HE loves us so much and cares about each tear we shed. Praying…

  8. What a powerful prayer! I'm just checking in to your blog which I found on your page on the workshop [DJ's]. I certainly have things in my life that push me to my knees – thanks for putting some words to my groaning and calling out to Jesus!

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